Why Getting Out (and Staying Out) of an Abusive Relationship is so Difficult

It is not easy to leave an abusive relationship, and there is a well-known domestic violence statistic to support that. We often see this statistic circulate when a high-profile domestic violence case hits the media, but often fail to be gentle on ourselves when it applies to our own situation. Through research, it is estimated that it takes an individual seven tries to leave an abusive relationship before they are able to for good. The reason for this estimate is that leaving is a process, and not often a one-time event. Some survivors of domestic violence leave and return multiple times before a permanent decision is made.

There are many reasons why a person may stay in an unhealthy and abusive relationship, and it can be quite difficult for people on the outside to understand. Housing and relocation, legal implications, shared children, the emotional connection to the abusive partner, loss of mutual friends, disruption in financial security, and overall conditioning and familiarity to the abusive situation are all common reasons as to why an individual may stay or return to an unhealthy and dangerous situation.

Even after leaving, the process of letting go of the abuser can also be quite difficult. Shame, guilt, self-directed victim blaming, and regret are all common feelings that one can experience. Sometimes these feelings are strong enough to convince the survivor to reengage with their abuser, which can lead an individual to returning to the same unhealthy situation.

However, we also know that resources and support from others can be a major buffer in this cycle. Confiding in friends, family, and support networks can make a massive difference in lowering that statistic of seven attempts. Seeking support from a domestic violence hotline, support group, local community agency, or therapist can be the bridge to safety and factor into decision making that leads the survivor away from harm.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, or a survivor of domestic violence, I invite you to access the resources on my resource page and consider reaching out for to me for support. Breaking the cycle safely can be part of your story.